How to ‘emotionally read’ other people

Empathy is an acknowledgement that the other party holds a particular viewpoint. By expressing empathy, you admit its existence without passing judgement on its validity, say Steven J Stein and Howard E Book

At its core, empathy is the ability to see the world from another person’s perspective, the capacity to tune into what someone else might be thinking and feeling about a situation — regardless of how that view might differ from your own perception. It is an extremely powerful interpersonal tool. When you make an empathic statement, even in the midst of an otherwise tense or antagonistic encounter, you shift the balance. A contentious and uneasy interchange becomes a more collaborative alliance.

When a relationship is an effective collaboration, you maximise your ability to get what you want or need from the other party. After all, no one is going to give you what you desire if they feel misunderstood or attacked. In that case, you’d be viewed with mistrust or anger. By contrast, every time others feel as if you’re in tune with them, they feel validated. The emotional bond between you strengthens, and the other person is more apt to work with, not against you.

But, for such a powerful tool, empathy is underutilised. There are three main misconceptions about empathy that prohibit many people from turning it to their advantage.

First, they sometimes confuse empathy with being “nice”— with making generally polite and pleasant statements. This is not what empathy means. For example, in the airport scenario described earlier John told Sally the ticked agent that it must be hard for her to deal with stupid and abusive patrons. He was very accurately putting into words his perceptions of her thoughts and feelings, but he wasn’t being particularly nice. The ticket agent didn’t know — and didn’t need to know — whether John was nice to everyone he met. He may well have been, and chances are he was, but it wasn’t important to their interchange. As a result of his empathetic comments, Sally felt a sense of connection with him.

Second, many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but the two are actually quite different. Basically, sympathy puts the speaker first, by putting into words our reactions to and feelings about another person’s situation. In the airport scenario, John eventually expressed sympathy, by saying that he felt sorry about what Sally had to put up with. But to have begun their conversation with that remark would have been mistake on his part. Instead, he wisely considered her thoughts and feelings paramount. Empathic statements begin with the word “you” — as in, “you must be feeling or thinking (a certain way)”. Sympathetic statements begin with “I” or “my,” and reflect the speaker’s perspective. For example, you might attempt to comfort someone who’s suffered a loss by saying “I was sad to hear” about it or “My condolences to you and your family”. These are welcome sentiments, and wholly appropriate to certain situations. Some people believe that by making an empathic statement, they’ll seem to be agreeing with or approving of the other person’s position, when in fact they might be opposed to it. Not so. Empathy is simply an acknowledgement that the other party holds that view point.

(Excerpt taken from The EQ Edge by Steven J Stein & Howard E Book Macmillan India Limited)