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Dual personality! An enjoyable topic
for novels and movies. Do you believe it is present in real life
too? Not just in one or two people, but in each one of us! Which
personality do you live most of the time? Interested in finding
out?
 Map
your personality
Are you pushed for time? Doing
well and working hard to do better. Really chasing your aspirations.
Even working late nights. Sometimes missing meals. Stealing time
for fun and partying. Compelled to compromise on time for personal
needs, health and family. "Oh! The family must understand.
I will catch up soon as things settle down a bit." Right now
can’t stop for petty issues. For fast progress, you know that just
hard work is not enough. So you are sensitive to other aspects.
The right physical appearance—clothes, footwear and accessories.
The right company. To be seen at the right places. The right conversations.
Raving about Thai, Lebanese, Japanese or whatever cuisine is the
latest in your group. Even when you cannot afford a lot of these
things. Ignoring your likes or dislikes. "There is no choice.
I don’t want to be considered backward. I will somehow manage the
money." Must flow with the trend. Can you spot similarities?
Maybe you have moved further
ahead. Already used finance schemes to acquire a car and an apartment.
"If the other programmers, at my level, can do it, I can do
it too." Or are you still at college or a trainee aspiring
for such personal and professional success? Even if you are on a
totally different career path, your action, behaviour and attitude
is largely given by whatever practices are prevalent in that model.
Whatever your map, use the following paragraphs to recognise your
dual personality.
What are you addicted to?
Do you see yourself being driven
to live a certain way which is not your natural self? Just pause
for a minute! Think about the compulsions. Most say, "I need
a break. I just want to be myself. Wear what I want, work at my
pace and without pretending to be like others. Doing that entire
yak yak! I can produce greater results and experience far greater
satisfaction." Do you feel the same way when you pause? So
what is driving you so forcefully? Guessed it? It is, "At any
cost get acceptance and avoid rejection." Does it explain many
of your behaviour patterns. At first you may not agree. As you unconceal
the drive, you will realise the extent of addiction.
Just to be acceptable, people
will go to any length. "I can also work for 24 hours without
sleep." But why, and at what cost? The requirement is to complete
work, not prove your ability to keep awake. Instances of people
trying out smoking, drinking and drugs and then landing up in problems
are growing. The same compulsions for acceptance has people quit
jobs, break friendships and separate from families.
In a nutshell, we are living
the life mauled and molded by having to live up to what we believe
are the requirements for us to be accepted by others. We appear
so different that the popular remark, "Hey! You have changed!"
refers more to our pretenses rather than the physical changes.
Innocent lies
A newborn baby arrives with
all capabilities within him. Each of these slowly blossoms out.
As you know, the child is almost totally nurtured through appreciation.
Your parents encouraged you to smile, turnover, sit, crawl, stand,
run and so on. Anything you did for the first time, there were celebrations.
You continued to respond well and enjoyed the rewards of love and
appreciation. As you grew up you found obeying instructions was
becoming a burden. Often you just did not feel like it. So you did
not. Then something shocking happened. Whenever you did not meet
the expectation, you were not only deprived of love but also reprimanded.
The new law was "Want appreciation—meet expectations. If not,
face hurt." You did not like this new dimension. Sometimes
you just felt lazy. Sometimes you were afraid to fail. You were
desperate for a solution. One day you had a breakthrough. You discovered
the power of an excuse. "If you gave an acceptable reason for
not obeying, it was okay."
"Can’t go to school because
my stomach is aching…." You stayed home, had fun and were further
rewarded with sympathy and love. Thus began the practice of telling
"innocent lies" to hide the truth, get accepted and earn
sympathy as bonus. With time, this became a solution to all problems.
You could now say "I am not well or whatever" and avoid
responding wherever you feared failure or preferred to sit back.
You soon acquired mastery and
could do it spontaneously. If same reason did not convince everyone,
you offered different reasons to different persons. One for dad,
another for the boss, third for a friend. The second safe strategy
to escape was—promise action in the future. Still better talk about
dreams, aspirations and goals. Later, there would always be some
plausible excuses to offer. The third one you discovered was the
ultimate—"I don’t know what stops me." Enact being a victim
and surely scuttle any possible probe. The combination of these
three strategies provided a fortress to hide fears of failure, weaknesses
and lack of achievements. It allowed you to play safe. You could
live life on your terms and still project that you are as good as
others or even better because your dreams are larger than theirs.
These innocent lies completed
the disguise. The real you were rarely visible.
Emerging your magnificent self
First get in touch and experience
your magnificent self. Just look at a child. So innocent, so transparent
and so loving. Yet so fearless, can distinguish who loves him, is
forgiving and can communicate without knowing any language. That
is who you were. Ask your parents and they will go into raptures
describing how wonderful you were. Then it is easy to see the extent
of damage now, over the years.
Your hunger for appreciation
diverted most of energies to being someone you were not. Then your
innocent lies to play safe blocked your progress. Only limited success
came your way. This required more lies to project you as fully successful.
Each innocent lie declared you incapable of overcoming silly obstacles
and limited your capabilities. Instead of building muscle in professional
and personal life, these lies retarded your growth. It fanned your
fear of failure, slowed down confidence building and left you struggling
within the box of limits you created for yourself.
But don’t beat yourself up.
Our addiction for appreciation began during childhood. Thereafter,
this is the natural direction in which all of us grew up. There
are really no exceptions. The purpose is not to run us down but
maturely take stock and corrective action.
The action steps are simple.
First, recognise the current approach in each area and then based
on your values, decide the new strategy. Be alert and ensure each
time the new response is put forth. If the old response occurs automatically,
be yourself. Have the courage to stop, say sorry and change it.
Each time you act this way you will experience your real power instead
of sadness of having to lie. Repetitive actions will build your
real personality and allow your magnificence to shine again.
Congratulations! Enjoy your
innocence, transparency and self-expression and receive applause
for who you really are.
Next week, we "Source
inspiration into your goals."
A D Narula has a passion for transforming
lives. Over last three decades he has been associated with 200 companies
and touched the lives of 25,000 people through his programmes. E-mail:
ad4gen@hotmail.com
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