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 The
more you love yourself, the bigger is your ego. Like other negative
emotions, your ego is a major obstacle in your quest for success,
well-being and happiness, says Arfeen Khan
Emotions are powerful driving forces, capable
of destroying or improving our life in a dramatic way. Emotions
are the natural byproducts of our mind.
The emotions we exhibit are the result of the
thoughts we have and they often reflect our character. Emotions
can be strong or weak; they can be positive or negative. Emotions
govern our behaviour to a very large extent.
The emotion that often determines the course
of our action is fear. In my seminar, I invite people to walk on
burning coal. Since I do not tell them that it is the technique
of walking that helps them not to get burnt, they are initially
terrified. But once they master the art, they overcome their fear
and eagerly walk over the burning coal.
Fear is something that we build up by and by
in our mind through a natural psychological thought process called
doubt. The ‘Can I?’ ‘Can I not?’ web that entangles
our mind, hinders the process of decision-making.
If somebody asks me to bungee jump from a height
of 50,000 feet, I may get scared. I would keep thinking, “What
if the ropes come loose? Will I survive or will I die? If I die
what will happen to my family?” Such doubts will build up the
emotion of fear in me. Every negative thought that will cross my
mind will increase my fear until I get immobilised. Fear is the
most crippling emotion. It prevents us from achieving our goals
and exploring new arenas.
Let me explain what this means. Many of us tend
to harbour a false belief that if a particular thing happens, the
result will be something drastic. But, when that event actually
happens, nine times out of ten, that ‘something drastic that
may have happened’ never happens! In other words, your fear
was actually for something that is non-existent. I look at the word
fear as the abbreviation for False Evidence Appearing Real.
Emotions like fear tend to affect your thoughts
and your life. Fear impedes logical reasoning and common sense.
It can have a negative impact on your approach to yourself.
It can be crippling and very limiting. It can
also weaken your confidence. Ultimately, it is your control over
these emotions that will determine your success or failure in life.
Anger
Another negative emotion to watch out for is
‘anger’. All of us have experienced this emotion some
time or the other. We usually get angry if things do not happen
or if people do not behave the way we want them to. We all know
that it is not good to be angry; it is not healthy, but still, we
experience anger and express it too.
Stress, pressure and tensions often make people
angry. Anger makes you lose control over yourself. You hurt others
with your language. When you attack somebody with vicious words,
the victim is wounded although there is no blood. The pain you have
inflicted is not visible to you, neither can you feel it. But as
time passes, as complications arise, the pain grows and bitterness
sets in.
When you lose your temper, you are like a car
that is out of control. You are ruthlessly trampling people, you
are killing them, annihilating them. Anger is manageable. Master
it before it masters you.
Managing ego
Most of us have an ego problem and would not
like to admit it. Ego puts up walls between siblings, between life
partners. between colleagues. Ego is the blind, selfish love for
that ‘I’ in each one of us.
The more you love yourself, the bigger is your
ego. Like all the other negative emotions, your ego is a major obstacle
in your quest for success, well-being and happiness. It can distance
you from people, from your family, from your relatives so much so,
that ultimately, when you have made money and fulfilled all your
goals, you will realise you have lost your loved ones. You are left
alone—with your ego for company!
Ego damages your thoughts and your character.
I have seen people who after getting promoted to higher ranks in
their work, suddenly lose their humility; their ego flares up. Their
attitude towards others changes, their whole body language changes.
The same person who used to call his colleague
saying, “John, could you come here for a second, please?”
now simply says, “Hey you! Come here.” This change is
because Mr Ego is at work.
My brother Shez made a decision that he would
buy his favourite car, the Porsche, in one year’s time. Before
the year was out he bought a Porsche but it seemed as though he
had bought an airplane. He did not drive it; he flew it! Suddenly,
he began to flaunt his achievement. He bought a Gold Credit Card
and became a spendthrift. Because of the money that had come so
quickly, he did not realise that his ego had inflated to a considerable
proportion. Finally one day, my dad told him, “Boy, you are
flying too high; you are going to fall real hard. Get your feet
on the ground and start afresh.” Luckily, Shez understood the
truth behind the admonition. Most people do not.
Shez calmed down and demonstrated his success
in a positive way, in a manner that made people emulate him. That
is what truly successful people should do. They must inspire others
to say, “I want to be as successful as this person.”
A successful person must not let success or money
go to his head. He should not become the proverbial “boss”
in the big chair/whom everybody hates. He should not be the egoistic
parent, whose children hate him. An egoist induces repulsion and
not inspiration and certainly not love or compassion.
All my life, I have been friendly with people
who work for me. That includes my drivers, the security staff and
others. I remember going to the house of a staff member for dinner
one day. On the way I bumped into an acquaintance. When I told him
where I was going he tried to stop me.
I was baffled. I went there, nevertheless. It
was a very small house with about fifteen people staying in it.
My employee and his family served me food in the most amazingly
affectionate way.
The stories and experiences the family shared
with me that day, are unforgettable. They talked to me about their
hardships, their happiness and the fun they have together.
If my ego had come in the way, I would never
have stepped into that place and would have missed out on something
so marvellous!
This event completely changed my outlook. I became
more sociable, more forthcoming towards everyone. Today, I talk
to everybody, shake hands with them as friends. I have come to the
conclusion that it is not worthwhile for me to flatter my ego at
the cost of my relationships.
Ego makes you a loner
The important ingredient in the art of leadership
is humility. An egoistic person can never make a good leader.
All great leaders of the world exemplify the
importance of maintaining camaraderie with colleagues, seniors and
subordinates. Having an ego is a problem.
It is like having a disease that destroys you
silently. Unfortunately, most people do not realise that they have
an ego problem.
Managing your emotions is an art. Keep your emotions
under control. Anger is the strongest negative emotion. It hurts
the one who is angry and also the one who is the victim of the anger.
And most importantly by losing your temper you make yourself vulnerable.
Jealousy, remorse, self-pity, fear and sorrow are other negative
emotions that can work against you.
It is important to be aware of your emotions.
Only then can you school them. If you cannot make out when your
ego is flaring, you cannot control its inflation.
Whenever negative emotions threaten to conquer
your reasons, quickly visualise the consequences. This is another
way of schooling your emotions.
Your emotions will determine the direction that
your life or your future will take. Analyse them. Transform these
negative emotions into positive ones by making them your strengths.
The power of believing in yourself
There are times when you lose your confidence.
There are times when people disappoint you and let you down. That
is when you have to:
- Tell yourself that things will get better.
- Keep your heart no matter what happens.
- Trust your own judgements and opinions.
- Keep your life focussed.
- Keep believing in yourself.
Life is full of challenges. To overcome them
you may have to make changes. But change is not compromise. Constantly
keep yourself headed in the direction you believe is right for you.
Excerpt from ‘You Can, You Will: It’s
Your Choice’ by Arfeen Khan; Macmillan India Limited
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